Ever since I lived an “independent” life, I’ve been quite selfish, I suppose. Everything is self-centered. It’s all about me and my life. True, I looked out for my brothers and my parents. I was there when needed. I gave advices though no one listened. Other than that, everything I did was all about me, myself, and I.
It started with mom telling me my aunt saw a Facebook picture of me (somehow). She saw my eyebrow piercing and called my parents. Surprise! They knew already. So that was no big deal. However the one that got caught surprised was me. I was thinking how the heck my aunt was able to see my picture on Facebook. I’m pretty sure I set it so only friends can see. Even friends can’t see the pictures I’m tagged in. Maybe it was one of those self-satisfying camera whoring pictures. Anyhow, I got a piercing knowing my parents won’t like it. Dad doesn’t seem to say anything but lately mom still looks at me and says how she dislikes the piercing. She even has this belief that I have to take off the piercing for the naturalization interview or I’d fail because the piercing makes me look like a delinquent. =.= I have a whole argument about freedom was the reason why Europeans came to America (one of the questions in the test) so they can’t deny my citizenship just because of my piercing, or I wouldn’t want to be an American if they do etc. But mom wouldn’t understand that. So every time, it’d be just me saying “No, I’m not taking it out. It doesn’t matter.”
They planned to go back to Vietnam and Cambodia to visit relatives once we are naturalized. During dinner, dad brought up the topic of me getting married again. He even suggested that I let my paternal grandfather in Cambodia arrange a marriage for me. “It’d be a perfect match,” he said, “She’ll be a good Chinese wife.” So let me backtrack a little. First thing first, visiting relatives. I guess I have to backtrack to me getting a piercing. I always look forward to coming back and seeing them. But I’m not sure now how they would react to my piercing. The thought of having to explain to them or just to endure the stares and the backtalks doesn’t seem so fun at all. In the end, no one would change anything. I’d still have my piercing. Though for a brief moment, I thought maybe I’ll take it out for the visit o.O”… hmm >.<.
And the getting married thing, I don’t even want to talk about it ~.~. Even though the idea of arranged marriage sounds kinda exotic, especially when it’s all gonna be proper and stuff. Like matching family reputation and background, has to be Teo Chew Chinese, etc. I guess I always had a fantasy about it since I was a kid (too much influence from Hong Kong dramas haha… >.>). Only if that… and I worked out. I really thought of bringing her home to see my parents too. Sigh.
Anyhow, thinking about how my life has been changing this past year, I don’t know how long I can keep “pretending” to be eccentric and not caring what others think of me. Especially when the equation involves parents, family, and relatives. Maybe that’s why I don’t go home that often anymore unless I have to be home to take care of something.
Sometimes (or most of the time) I wish things aren’t so dichotomized. So the fence-sitters like me would have an easier time. Oh life.
why is this such a difficult thing for people to actually do and not just write down on a board during workshops and forget about it when they leave a space? As Tyra said, “You Don’t Know Me, You Don’t Know Where I Been, You Don’t Know Where I Come From.”
Here are some questions:
what I’ve been encountering lately, people with different background dissing each other’s worldviews. Things always need to be labeled right or wrong. Maybe language is the culprit. Maybe it’s human nature to label things.
Was thinking of writing an emo post for about two hours. Now that I decided to write, I’ll try to make it very neutral. Oh hai, my second text post since the first one in 2009. Not sure how to start this… hmmm.
You know, for the longest time, I tried my very best to defy all that you want me to be. But little did I know, I tried even harder to be what you want me to be. Comparison. It’s my worst enemy ever. I always compare you to others, what they do and what you have done. I was never satisfied with what I had or the things you did for me. It was never enough. But I still tried to please you, hoping for the day you’ll acknowledge me.
Five years ago, I was playing game on the computer. You sat next to me and started talking about my future. You accused me of not thinking ahead, of not knowing what is right to do, of always being so carefree, of not knowing where my place is in this world, of not thinking about the family. I didn’t say a single word back to you. I hope you saw that my eyes were teary. You had no idea. You had no idea of my countless days talking to my counselor because I had no one else to guide me, my endless hours spent online reading and finding out on my own the information I need. So many decisions I had to make yet there were so little guidance. You wondered why I never talked to you. Because I knew you were just as helpless as I was. You left when I finally quit playing the game. I cried, as silently as I could. I swore to myself I would make it. Let there be no obstacle that can hinder me.
Four years later. You were in disbelief I found a job. You kept asking me to take out my eyebrow piercing. You thought I was handsome in that video. You asked for a copy of the booklet. You asked if I made the poster. I was nervous to let you see me dance. Still I put everything into it. I performed, for you more than anyone else. I hoped you were happy to see a picture of us in that slideshow. Because soon after, we would be taking the same picture again. Only this time, I was proud of my achievement. My final performance was dedicated to you, but you did not see it. I hope one day I’ll be as confident as I was in that performance when I face you.
Five months ago, I bought you a sweater, my first gift to you. I wanted to say more than just giving you the present and said it was for new year. Five days ago, I bought you a new pair of shoes. You thought it was expensive. I was willing to pay anything for you. I wondered, if you ever thought twice about the price when you bought something for me. I know you didn’t. I know you were thinking for me.
Do you know I’m always smiling when we talk? Especially when we speak in Mandarin. Ok I’m lying. I’m pouting when you call at inconvenient times. But at the end of the conversation, you would make me smile or my heart lighten a little when you say how much you miss me. Do you know even through all these undeclared moments, the only thing I truly want is for you to see me for who I am? We never said the L word, or the H word, or any other word that has to do with emotion. But it will change someday. I’m not hoping. I’m making it happen. And it’s already on its way.
For all that I have become. For all that I will be. I proved myself and I won’t stop.
妈, I’m trying. And when that time comes, I hope you will too.